The Who

Who:

ask yourself "Who?".  who am i hearing in my head right now?  who am i reacting to in my head at this moment?  often, it is not me -- it is the internalized version of my man, kid, boss, parent, sibling, friend.  then i go on to behave in response to these inner tyrants.  i have relationships with them unbeknownst to the actual owners of these phantasms.  not to say that these illusory kin don't maintain a certain exaggerated likeness of the real thing -- but exaggerated is the key point.  they are larger than life and stuck in my tiny head, and to manage the cacophony i drink copious amounts of tea, eat sugar, stay up later than i should, growl at people, waste time, tense up, yell, run away, etc. etc. 

yesterday i had a glorious moment in which i recognized that i was reacting to the phantasm while the real thing was right in front of me.  i thought, what if i only respond to you and not YOU, there, lurking in my brain incorporating yourself subtly into every thought and feeling i have until i don't know who is me and who is you anymore!  unfortunately, the yelling and cursing and chasing of YOU inside my head (at that moment) came out as some nasty snarling noises; however, i think you will agree that it was worth it.  the result is that i feel that i can now respond to you with a gentle honesty that was not accessible before.  my inner workings were so clogged up with the pulsing, irritated, weeping and infected version of you-me before, that i wasn't able to listen to what you say, or watch what you do without commenting from a twisted place.  now i can and what i have to say is this:

"i love you, i care about you, you still intrigue and seduce me; but, the life choices you make are very stressful for me, and i feel that you have forced me to live with them for a long time now and that i can no longer cope with these circumstances.  so, if you want to be with me and be close to me you must quit smoking, get off your computer, and make time to be at home without making us feel that we are constantly on borrowed time."

and to YOU, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..................