Withdrawal

Withdrawal symptoms are fucking painful.  I am bottoming out on love and attachment.  All the many elusive emotions I have pursued so doggedly and unconsciously since I was 13.  I could blame my parents, my dad in particular, for sending me away to strange places twice in my life.  I had always felt an obsessive love for the people closest to me and knew I was too intense for everyone:  being sent away confirmed it and a love addict was born.  Always searching, feeling like I would have to force and take the love I craved.  I even found a quick way to make some love of my own -- two kids by the time I was 24.  I've been a junkie ever since, negotiating dirty fixes and coming up empty after a few years.  I don't know how to love without the feeling of wanting and taking, screaming for attention. 

And now the love of my life is gone.  Much of our split is my doing.  And I feel the pain of it, in my chest, stomach, head -- it knocks me flat.  I need to be tied to a bedframe for 3 days while the drug leaves my system.  But I can't, I have responsibilities.  I don't know how to pay for my own life.  I've got to find a way.  I would really rather die, truthfully.  I wanted to throw myself under some cars speeding down the mountain, but I have kids and parents who would suffer for it.  So instead, I must go on suffering. 

I don't know what is beyond this.  For now, I must suck the poison out.