Gnawing in the belly. The understanding that it must be like this right now, though it hurts. Smilla Jaspersen was right -- pain of the mind is worse than pain of the body. Especially regret. But I have to peel away the layers, and for me it had to begin violently -- I couldn't escape it because I have to face it. I was not only violent to him, but violent with myself. It's the only relief I've known. Volcanic emotional emptying. I haven't trusted love. I take take take or appease appease appease. I want to see me clearly, see the real me, and not recoil. Desire and longing are so strong in me -- for my kids, for him. How to free it and myself? I want to give and not expect return. Only the most self-contained person can do that. He sneered that I need religion, over the phone; was he right? Am I that weak? I've always sought it I suppose -- santa, teenage wicca, tibetan mediation, science. Now I seek freedom. If a companion in love is still in my future, if he is still in my future, I will only meet him if I am free.
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